Neon Touch

At an erotic play party, two friends — Meesh and Mercury — feel sparks. 

The Heart · Neon Touch

This episode was produced by Nicole Kelly and hosted by Kaitlin Prest. Neon Touch is a queer BIPOC gathering hosted by Meghan Gordon (Meesh) & Angela Peñaredondo (Mercury) in Los Angeles. Meghan is an artist and gallery director, Angela is a writer and educator.

Music: “Unsilenced” by Ketsa; “Our Only Lark” by Blue Dot Sessions; “Lo Fi Shuffle” by ADJ; “Walking in depreston promo shorter” by Ai Yamamoto; “Detailing” by Blue Dot Sessions. “Liquid Crystal Love” by IASOS can be heard playing in the background of the party. 

transcript

Kaitlin Prest:

From Mermaid Palace and Radiotopia… Welcome to The Heart. I'm Kaitlin Prest. 

[theme music starts, a drum beating like heart] 

I don't know if you've been feeling the absence of physical touch in your life, if you have been missing the way that it feels to have contact on your skin. Sensation. Physical pleasure [people sigh deeply sounds of enjoyment] For this episode, I recommend that you snuggle in, lie down, close your eyes and let the sensual experience of the world that you're about to enter, wash over you. Before the Quar, NK went to an erotic party hosted by her friends, Meesh and Mercury. It's called Neon Touch and it's sensual platonic space, where a group of women and non-binary queer people of color and some select allies explore pleasure together with the help of a special...toy. 

[sounds of electricity moving through the air, crackling]

Meesh:

This is the Neon Wand. This is the comb, this is the most gentle of all the tools, it disperses the electricity across all the different prongs. So what I'm going to do is on both of your arms, I'm going to show you what all the tools feel like. And I'm not going to do it anywhere else. Just. We're going to do a little experiment. 

[Buzzing sounds like a tattoo machine, up-tempo music begins-rhythmic pulses of buzzing that sound intentional]

So the something you'll begin to notice is even just on your arm. There are all these different sensitivities and everyone has a different map of what feels good, what sensitive spots, like, feel good and don't feel good, like the difference between the palm of your hand and the back of your hand, [music continues-two short buzzing noises] one of my favorite places is actually like under the fingernails. 

[piano continues along with steady buzzing pulses]

And then, though, the really crazy thing is that you can actually touch me and shock me. So even though I'm the one who's connected, I have the power. It's a switch situation, right? Like, I don't necessarily always have to be giving when I have the power. And then if we were to hold hands, you could shock the next person. [pulses of buzzing] Plants can conduct electricity…

Meesh:

Will you grab me a flower? You can just pluck one out. I only need one.

[Buzzing]

It's like it's almost like the difference between making your own food [laughter] and ordering it, it's like, really good both ways, [laughter] but somehow coming from making it yourself, It's like a little bit better.

[background party noise, laughter and buzzing continues]

Party Attendee:

Wow! 

Meesh:

So this is really the thing. [rhythmic intentional buzzing]

Mercury:

Oh, my God. 

Meesh:

That other stuff is like for beginners. [crackling noise continues]

Mercury:

Oh my god that's... bananas. [laughter] stop...don’t stop... Oh wow. [crackling noise and music fades out]

Meesh:

The neon wand has become a really important object to me because it allows me to have these kinds of discussions around touch and play that I want to have.

[buzzing noise begins quietly]

Suddenly, there's an object that glows. That shocks you with these little blue lightning bolts between my finger and your finger, and [little shocking buzzing noises like darts shooting out] like, we all kind of have preconceived notions about what pleasure should look and feel like, about what sex and the erotic are like. And this tool, most people have never felt this sensation before. And it just kind of sets us all back to zero.

Meesh:

[to attendee] Are you ready for electricity?

Mercury:

 Yes I am. [it sounds like an intimate space, sensual humming moaning noises]

Meesh:

So we're kind of sitting in this lovely little circle. 

Mercury:

Thank you for taking the time on my wrist like that.

[beautiful woodwind music plays in the background]

Meesh:

[quietly] this is so fun for me I love it 

Mercury:

I'm really thankful for and feeling the effort and the time. [satisfied sighing]

Meesh:

The wand has become this like barometer, basically for the type of person and the type of play that I'm interested in, and it doesn't, you don't need the electricity to do it. It's just a really great, like entry way for people to understand, like, oh, if you like this kind of touch, like this patient, gentle, you know, kind of, can be silly, like it can be so many different things. Like if you like this, you're one of my people. We should spend time together because it's hard to find people who actually enjoy these things. [buzzing begins again] And have the patience to do them back to other people. [Sound of electricity crackling in spurts]

The acknowledgment that pleasure isn't a complete thing and it's always in flux, also, I think the Neon Wand really helps people understand that. 

[Buzzing in the background, people greet each other flirtily as they begin to arrive at the play party]

Party Attendee:

Hi!

Meesh:

Hi, really nice to see you…tonight is the first time that I'm hosting this gathering. My intention was really to create a space to explore the erotic intellectually and creatively and with our bodies, a space that would be sustainable for me. And it finally dawned on me that that would be within friendships.

[laughing and talking in background-sounds like an intimate space]

[People talking quietly in background: Hi Sweetie, welcome, you look so cute, aw so do you]

Meesh:

I invited people that I've collaborated with in the past when I used to make more artwork. People that I've met in dungeons or in scene somewhere

[people chat in background- sounds like preparing noises for the party, Oh my goodness, blushing, blushing and you know I didn't know how much you wanted so here is a bottle]

Well Mercury, we met at a queer POC Play Party. We're both Filipinx. We're both very creative people. We're both healing. 

Meesh:

[to Mercury] Cool. This looks lovely, you brought In the Dream House, I'm really excited about that.

Mercury:

I did, I picked a really good passage to read to you. Okay, okay…

Meesh:

It just gives me so much pleasure when we're like doing her little dance around consent basically and gratitude. 

We all kind of sat down amongst these large potted plants in the middle of the floor. The windows are open and the breeze is blowing and we're all kneeling down on this beautiful rug.

[soft upbeat music starts, people are moaning softly]

There's blankets all around and there are jars of different cut flowers.

[soft voice] How does that feel? That feels really good? 

[voice whispering] okay, we're going to do a little bit more.

[gasping and moaning continues softly in the background]

Meesh:

Yeah in the past, the most successful events to me were the ones where, you know, we kind of all gathered together, talked about boundaries and intentions and desires. And then, like, you know, played for a long enough time that people begin to really, like, let their guard down and, you know, [moaning begins to build and get louder] request things that they might have been scared to request from anyone ever. [moaning builds intensity] 

Mercury:

Yeah. Pull on that rope, uh-huh yeah. Tug on it. Oh!

[with a voice that sounds like it’s experiencing pain and delicious pleasure] Oh, yes. Mmm hmmm yeah 

Meesh:

Oh, you know, someone sees something that they like and they are like, I would like to try that too and you really kind of enter the space of trust with people. [buzzing and moaning continues throughout this section]

Mercury:

Ohhhhhhh

Meesh:

[whispers] Can I take a short journey? 

Mercury:

Yes! 

Meesh:

[whispers] Can I read you something? 

Mercury:

Yes, please read me something. Ohhh, Uhhhhh

Meesh:

I read it last night. [loud moaning] and I thought of you…I marked the page… [moaning builds] “As long as I can remember, [sighing] I have been obsessed with physical and temporal, limits [exhale that sounds like release] the beginning, [loud moaning] the end.”

Meesh:

[narrating] The kind of play that I'm really interested in requires like a lot of time, like you have to create trust with the people that you know [buzzing and rhythmic spanking, someone moaning excitedly]

Mercury:

Oh yeah I like that blade on my ass. Ow! [spanking noise, laughing, moaning]

Meesh:

What I really intended to do today was introduce everyone to each other. Like, let's get comfortable. Let's talk about like where we're at. Yeah. You know, and what we're interested in. And let's be real upfront. 

Meesh:

[buzzing] [to Mercury] Is this okay? 

Mercury:

Yeah. 

Meesh:

Everything feels good? 

Mercury:

Yeah. [sharp intake of breath] OOoooh. Umm hmmm uhh. Oh. Oh. [intense orgasmic breathing]

Meesh:

[in narration] It's like that acknowledgment that we're like giving pleasure to your body and it requires both of us or something like you're receiving the pleasure but I have to be there to give it. Yeah. And it's like yes. The whole negotiation and the dance around that. I'm like acknowledging that we're doing it feels really good. Yeah. Yeah. [moaning and crackling]

Meesh:

[to the room] Yes! So many hands and petals and wooden blades. [spanking noise]

Mercury:

All these queens and princes [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. 

Meesh:

[narrating] You know when sometimes when I was like in the most pain or doing the most healing work, like I would spend a lot of time helping others heal as like a way to kind of, you know, show myself that I know how to do this. Like I know how. 

Meesh:

[whispering] How does that feel? 

Mercury:

That feels really good. 

Meesh:

[whispering] Okay, we are going to do a little bit more. 

Mercury:

Okay. 

Meesh:

Just make sure it stays tight. 

Mercury:

[Moaning] I'll give you the back of my head, for right now. Ohhhh mmmmm. 

Meesh:

So then you have to spend a bunch of time figuring out what feels good for you. And then you have to be able to communicate what that, like what that good thing is to somebody else so they can do it to you.

[intense emotional moaning]

Mercury:

[loud moaning] Ohhhh. [slapping] yes yes yes

[emotional moaning almost like weeping]

OOohhhh spank me with that blade again

[spanking]

I feel so great right now. Is everyone doing okay?

Party Attendees in unison:

Yes! Ohh yeeeeahhhh 

Mercury:

Oh gosh, I feel so greedy right now.

Party attendees:

Oh, no no no. It's really fun to give. Everyone's enjoying it. Asking, open.

[spanking noise]

Meesh:

How are you doing? 

Mercury:

Good. 

Meesh:

Do you want a kiss? 

Mercury:

Mmm hmmm. 

Meesh:

It won't shock because I'm connected to you.

[buzzing, Kissing noises, music playing in the background]

mmmmm, Are you enjoying meeting all my friends?

[laughter}

Mercury:

Yes I am, Hi friends, Ohhhhhh. 

Meesh:

I think they like you too..yeahhh

[ecstatic moaning cumming sounds like weeping and moaning in intense pleasure]

[kissing noises, exhale]

Mercury:

Do you think we can wind it down? 

Attendees:

Yes…

Mercury:

And thank you, everyone. 

Meesh:

Thank you for bringing that wonderful knife, and yourself.

[party attendees chat and wind down]

[laughter]

Who wants to go next? Anyone?

[piano and woodwind music fades in]

Kaitlin Prest:

Please forgive this brief interruption for a word from our sponsors. We'll be right back. 

Meesh:

I mean, for me, play and creativity and like studio space are all like the same type of like there's a balance of like being stimulated, the right amount of stimulated but the right amount of distracted and then something gets triggered. 

With me, and then basically, like when I play with people, I like to be called Meesh. I think Meesh is like one of the performative like personas that I have that, you know, basically like Meesh needs to be cared for. It's like, it's like my way of telling people like I'm now in a space where, like, I, you know, I need to be cared for, and it can happen in all these different ways.

[starry ambient spacey synth]

Mercury:

I didn't bring anything, but I can read something that I brought from my phone. 

Meesh:

Oh, that would be lovely. 

Mercury:

Did you want me to read something that I've written? 

Meesh:

Yes! But maybe like once I've, like, been receiving for a little bit.

Mercury:

We'll build up to it, You’ll know when…

Party Attendee:

I also brought some poetry. 

Meesh:

I've been like thinking about my somatic map a lot. I was struggling to figure out how to heal myself from some really old deep traumas. You know, I don't know. There are all these like mind games that we're all always playing with yourself for. Trying to understand things like. You name, naming something, recognizing something…

[spacey music and the sound of the party begin to fade in, voices begin to chat]

...as, you know, kind of the first step and then you try to, like, spend time with it. It's so uncomfortable sometimes. 

Meesh:

Yeah. You start with just the hand or the roses maybe. 

Meesh:

[narrating] And you just keep, you know, spending more time with it and all these different ways from all the different angles. And eventually, you know, you just have a much better understanding of yourself and then you don't have to eventually all becomes second nature. 

Mercury:

I also particularly love hearing the sound of the petals being ripped off the stem. 

Meesh:

It's up to me to decide, like, how do I want to present myself to others, how I want to interact with others? What am I looking for right now in this moment. I am sensitive and like. Yeah, the same, the same places every time where I don't like it in certain places. 

Mercury:

I mean, for me, anticipation is part of the erotic. It's super important to me. You know, you like your fingertips being —

Meesh:

I do, ugghhhh 

Mercury:

How’s that? 

Meesh:

Yeah. That's amazing. 

Meesh:

[narrating] And then we have to work together taking the building blocks about ourselves and each other and put them together to build something new. I mean, I it's to me that's quite revolutionary, but that's also just how I think sex should be.

[buzzing and sighing]

Meesh:

[to the party attendees] Can we try something? This may be hard or impossible, but I want to see if it's possible for everyone to kind of start at the top of my body, like make a rainbow. 

Participant:

Yes, let's try that! 

Another participant:

Can we do it with flower petals on your back? 

Meesh:

Yes, yes… [ambient synth quivers]

Meesh:

[narrating] I am trying to create wholeness for myself and I would rather like be real with people, be intimate with people. Share these journeys. Like, not everyone needs to know everything about what I'm struggling with, but we all know we're struggling and working on things. And like, that's kind of, you know, the acknowledgment of that within erotic space is like super important to me. Yeah, those things feel really connected in terms of my vulnerability and creating wholeness.

[synth music fades out and the buzzing of the wand fades in]

Meesh:

[moaning builds getting louder]

Uhhhh, Uhhh

[sound of someone breathing fast, cumming, sighing, music fades back in]

Mercury:

How would you feel about us bringing that back up? 

Meesh:

^^ Yeah.

[emotional moaning becomes laughter, and also sounds of release and sobbing continue throughout]

Meesh:

[narrating] You know, connecting with your body for me always leads to like sharing. And not necessarily like going deep into like what the trauma is, but just being like, you know, this kind of release and like a kind of witnessing everyone sharing the witnessing and support of that release.

[ambient starry synth fades in]

Mercury:

So many people caring for you.

[soft buzzing and sobbing continue and becomes laughter]

Meesh:

[narrating] And then, like, kind of coming down and after care. 

Mercury:

Do you want us to keep going? 

Meesh:

[whispers] no. 

Mercury:

okay

[sounds of breathing in and out, tearful voice, deep release, people are reverant and quiet in the space] 

Meesh:

[tearful voice, she sounds moved] I really liked the rainbow.

[people sigh and laugh]

Mercury:

It's such a pleasure to do that Meesh, I'm glad we all got to do this.

[soft jazzy piano fades in]

Meesh:

[narrating] I come back a lot to pleasure activism. Yeah, and there's like a quote in there. “Pleasure is the path to revolution.” And it's like really only from understanding, like in a fundamental way what's okay and what's not okay for your own body, which is pleasure. Ya know? And like it's only when you understand that can you really apply it to the rest of your life, because if you don't know what's right with you or what's not right with you and that's different for everyone, you know, and like there's no rights and wrongs. It's like you're the only one who can do that work to figure out what's okay and what's not okay. I realized that. Yeah. Understanding my own pleasure map was actually the most radical thing that I could spend time doing because I couldn't, I couldn't, like, reach outwards again until that was right inside of me. 

Meesh:

[tearful voice] What you said felt so good thank you, just asking me if you could come back up. 

[people murmur and acknowledge ascent in this moment] 

Meesh:

Thank you so much. Thank you for asking that. [tearful voice] I just really, I feel like you really understand what, what I needed and what I was asking for. Thank you. 

Mercury:

[quiet voice] Mmm, you're welcome. 

Meesh:

[narrating] The definition of love that I have been obsessed with comes from bell hooks' All About Love. 

Party attendee:

You guys are amazing, you're doing such a good job receiving all this pleasure.

[people kissing]

Meesh:

[quoting bell hooks] “Love is the will, to nurture one's own or another's spiritual well-being.”

Meesh:

Or I'll just like hold hands with people while they're like receiving and doing their activities or tell like tell them like I'm here with you. It's so beautiful.

[moaning, kissing and buzzing noise of the Neon Wand continues throughout]

Meesh:

When you guys were doing the rainbow coming down it was so, like bodily orgasmic. And then, as soon as you asked if you could come back up, as soon as you could asked if you could come back up it totally like flipped a switch into a different brainspace. 

Participants:

Mmmm…  [piano music softly plays]

Meesh: 

Even though it was exact same thing. It was crazy. Yeah, I was just like he gave me permission to feel something different or adjacent or. Yeah, like an extension of the first feeling, like the first feeling is like a bodily sensation that I've been like learning how to channel, how to access. Felt so good. Okay who's next?

[people laugh in a knowing way] 

Kaitlin Prest:

This episode was produced by Nicole Kelly with Meghan Gordon and Angela Penaredondo. 

Meesh:

I was just, um, just I was just thinking oh wow, NK's getting to know me real quick right now. 

Kaitlin:

Editorial support from me Kaitlin Prest, Phoebe Unter and Sharon Mashihi. 

Mercury:

This also looks so beautiful right, I know it does.

Kaitlin:

The Heart is Phoebe Unter, Nicole Kelly, Sharon Mashihi, Chiquita Paschal and me, Kaitlin Prest. You can follow us on Instagram at The Heart Radio, Twitter. Same thing. You can go to the Heart Radio dot org, if you want to donate money to support the art we're making. And you can go to Mermaid Palace dot org to find other shows produced by Mermaid Palace. This magic art company where we make weirdo shit for your listening pleasure. You can follow me at Kaitlin Prest. Mostly I just post pics of my quarantine life.  And we thank Mitra Kaboli, and we thank Jes Grossmann, two people who helped put down the bricks that the show stands upon creatively and all of the other people who have helped this show become what it is. And thank you to you listening person, person who is listening for following along with our curiosities and our questions, creative explorations. OK. The Heart is a proud member of Radiotopia, bye. 

Every Happy Ending Is Normative

So what’s the point of a crush?

The Heart · Every Happy Ending Is Normative

This episode was produced by Nicole Kelly, with anise cinquepalmi. anise is a poet teaching in LA. Find her workshop info on Instagram by following @bashfulhole. This episode also contains excerpts from a poem called “(my fears are) vvversions of mothers.” 

Music by: “Nature Shuffle’ by Ketsa, Nctrnm by “Parade” and “Plasticity” by Blue Dot Sessions. 

transcript

Kaitlin Prest: 

From Radiotopia and Mermaid Palace, welcome to The Heart. 

[light drum sounds like a heartbeat]

I'm Kaitlin Prest. A crush. Oh, a crush. A crush, a crush. The currents of electricity underneath my skin and around my body. When I think of a person or get near them, when they walk in to a room. To find spending time with them inexplicably pleasurable, no matter what you're doing, to find their jokes inexplicably hilarious, to see the very specific and special kind of magic somebody has. This story is about a crush. It's about NK's crush. Here's NK.

NK:

[whispering] My fears are, my fears are, my fears are, my fears are...my fears are [repeats and continues underneath] 

anise: 

My fears are my fears are my fears are my fears are my fears are my fears are my fears are my fears. and evers external tank fall away. It has to crash in the ocean calculated trash. It does a dance on the atmosphere. As it falls. I can suffer you imagining me, letting it go like this. 

NK: 

[whispering] My fears are my fears are my fears are

NK: 

The first time we met. 

[sound of performance, testing mic "okay, hi!"]

NK: 

We were one of a few people performing at an opening for a white male artist.

[sound from performance stage: "Peter invited me organize a reading for the opening, so I invited…] [fades out]

NK: 

“I'm going last,” she told me before the reading began. “Because I'm that bitch.” I was not that bitch. And so I kept making involuntary noises, these deep sighs because I was so nervous. She laughed and produced a little bottle, a tincture from her purse. And she said it would calm me down. I watched while she poured it into my tequila cocktail. 

[crowd applause]

I went first, but I didn't really perform. 

I didn't really know how. 

As I nervously read a prose poem about my sister, I had no idea what to do with a mic or how to move my body. I was used to reading in libraries and used bookstores. I stood in the glare of a projector while I read, a murky image I imagined I could hide behind. I hadn't yet learned how to interact with an audience. Actually, I was afraid of the audience. And so I did what I had always done. Never looked up at them and pretended they weren't there. [light applause]

When it was finally her turn to read, she asked the audience to come closer. We were standing around the perimeter of the room and we moved to where she was in the center and sat on the floor around her. 

[anise into the mic: hi! audience replies: hi!]

She asked us if we liked our poetry hard or soft. Then she laughed at us for thinking that she cared about the answer. As she walked among us, over us, my eyes tracked her slow, deliberate movements. After weaving through everyone sitting on the floor. She approached a gallery wall. 

anise: 

Until then, I'm taking it allll personal. 

NK: 

[narrating] Pressed her back against it and slid down towards the floor like a drop of water. 

anise: 

personalll than you can ever take it, stretch me out! with how personal, our fractured belonging

[beneath NK comes in whispering my fears are my fears are my fears are]

NK: 

I really admired her ability to take control of a room, to command an audience, to draw all of the attention to her and hold it. She just didn't seem nervous about it at all. 

[phone conversation, laughter]

NK:

[on the phone with her sister, Ashley] So. Yeah. So I had that performance I was telling you about at the gallery. I read that essay about being... 

NK: 

[narrating] And I really wanted to be like that. I wanted to be a person who could do that, but had not figured out how to be that person. 

Phoebe:

the people that are like, I have an attraction. And they immediately think that they know what that means? 

NK: 

[narrating] I thought she was really hot. she had a cool look. She seemed smart and funny, like someone I really wanted to be around. 

Kamala: 

[talking to NK] I feel like you're perpetually looking for the next thing to teach you where your boundaries is, or like where your definition is. 

NK: 

[narrating] I wanted to be seen, but I was also really afraid of being seen. Of putting myself out there the way that she did. 

Kamala: 

[talking to NK] Something that either like strikes you enough for you to have like an adverse reaction to it or something that's going to pull you deeply in some other direction. And I feel like that really defines your art. 

NK: 

[narrating] And so her lack of fear was very attractive to me. She seemed supernaturally confident, and as crushes normally go, she began to take up a lot of space in my mind. 

NK: 

[on the phone with Ashley] I was like, who is this??? Phoebe was like, you don't know if you wanna be her or be in her and I was like, I do not know!! [laughter]

NK’s sister, Ashley:

You are wild when you're on this energy. 

NK:

[to Ashley] I know! I'm just like looking at her instagram stories and like - can she see how many times I'm watching her instagram stories? [laughter]

NK:

In the days after the performance I can't stop thinking about her. I wonder what she'll think of what I'm wearing? [slightly underneath, quietly] I wonder what she's wearing. I wonder what she's reading. I wonder what she would think of what I'm reading. I would get self-conscious about what I was reading and pick up a new book attempting to guess what her taste might be. I would try to imagine where she lived, what her space must be like. Everything I do becomes a question about her. [slightly underneath, quietly] Is she also the kind of person who likes alone time? Does she also drink coffee and prepare it in a french press? Does she eat meat or is she vegetarian? Does she also pump gas like this? What is she doing right now, at this moment? 

Mostly I wondered what would happen between us. I imagine what it would be like when we finally hung out. Wouldn't it be like to spend time, be friends, to get close to be allowed into her intellectual space? 

Finally, I text her and ask her if she wants to hang out and she suggests we eat oysters at sunset on the roof of a hotel. I arrived on time and got a table. She was 30 minutes late, but promised me her outfit would be worth it. I was sure it would be. I drink a Bloody Mary, and got a tiny bit drunk while I waited for her. We're both the kind of people who carry notebooks around. And when she finally arrives and sits down, we each pull our notebooks out and placed them on the table. I notice every object that she pulls out of her bag. This rose quartz stone, the Japanese day planner. At one point she falls out her glasses case and the case is really pretty. And she puts on her glasses and they're really delicate and really pretty. I haven't seen her wear glasses before. I love girls in glasses. I kind of like how I feel in relief to her. I'm wearing an old jean jacket with like a hole in the sleeve and queer and feminist political buttons on it and ripped jeans. 

And I walked to the bar and I got kind of sweaty, but I don't really mind feeling that way. Around her. I actually just kind of like it. I like being in the position of admirer. I almost don't even care what she thinks of how I look or how I am because I'm so interested in her. 

anise:

I could tell that you were into me, but that you weren't only into me, you weren't into me because you wanted to fuck me. That wasn't like the entire — that wasn't like the sole and or most obvious, like edge of the blade that you were trying to insert into me. Like the more apparent edge was that you were captivated by my ability to persist. 

[light guitar and shimmering sounds]

NK:

That spring and summer, we see each other in between not seeing each other for long stretches. A few weeks will go by and we'll text occasionally. I invite her to parties at my house and she demurs. I'm not sure why. I want to hang out. But as long as she remains distant, as long as she remains kind of mysterious to me, I can also get really into the feeling like, luxuriate in the feeling of wanting something that I can't yet have. I really like that feeling. 

But I ask her to meet me at one of my favorite date spots, a dimly lit bar in Koreatown. And she agrees. The bar still has its original decor from the 60s. These circular red leather booths to call a waiter, you press a little button. The bar is wood and circular. My favorite kind of bar. 

anise:

[at the bar] It just feels, cheeky to me. Like it doesn't generate... 

NK:

She orders fernet and something, something Italian. And I order a boilermaker: a beer and a whiskey shot. 

We talk about a panel that I want her to be on, poets talking about the relationship between gender and available language. What becomes possible when you can give definition to an experience because someone else has given it a name, a shape. 

anise:

Maybe saying something is not the goal, maybe it's just about sharing experience. 

NK:

I really love spending time with her and getting to know her and becoming actual friends and playing around with metaphors and language. She would talk a lot about how she was always poeticizing everything. She meant her personal metaphors and analogies for the things she was experiencing. We talked a lot about one of the metaphors from the poem I'd seen her perform. It was about the huge amount of energy required for fundamental change. The effort that it takes to move away from things that are familiar and toward something more authentic. 

anise:

[at the bar] Instead of annoyed I'm trying to stay fixated now. [NK laughs] I was fixated with...

Kaitlin Prest:

Please forgive this brief interruption. We'll be right back. 

NK:

I'm pretty sure she knows I'm into her, but I actually can't tell if the vibe between us is romantic or something else and I resist defining it. It seems better not to. 

[NK whispers "my fears are my fears are my fears are"]

anise:

My fears are my fears are my fears...[repeats]

NK:

I keep saying I'm over her, and then seeing her perform. 

anise:

…are my fears are my fears are my fears and evers external... 

NK:

This time she's on her knees. 

anise:

It has to crash, in the ocean. 

NK:

We're seated on chairs in a circle around her. 

anise:

calculated trash. 

NK:

She's wearing a black turtleneck, high waisted black jeans. 

anise:

it does a dance on the atmosphere. 

NK:

Her performance begins when she turns out the lights. 

anise:

I can suffer you imagining me letting it go like this. 

NK:

She gives us instructions to repeat the phrase "my fears are my fears are" for the duration of the poem. 

She also tells us not to look at her. 

anise:

The spent engines plummet. It's like me. Intense pressure against a surface until coordinated burnout. 

NK:

I'm sure that other people in the room are various levels of committed to both repeating the phrase she's told us to say and not watching her crawl around, thrash around on the floor in front of us. She's moving around a lot. She's making kind of a spectacle. But I don't look. I don't look. I'm just like, yes. Like, tell me what to do. Tell me what not to do. And I'll do it or not do it. And I'll take great pleasure in following instructions. 

anise:

This is still life as peace optional protest. My fear is opener to its disavowal fear it's repurposed to you . Open your fear like a mine. 

NK:

The most heightened moments of my crush are when I see her perform, when I see her be the center of attention. I experience the performances with my entire body. 

anise:

Blossom's took one behind my ear. Our versions of Mother Earth balanced by the clock of my hair. Every happy ending is normative. 

NK:

By winter, I'm reluctantly letting my crush fade away. I've done some more performances. Some were good, some were terrible. We both start dating other people. I run into her at a bar and she tells me about her girlfriend and it deflates the sense of mystery about her, the sense that she was untouchable, unattainable. We're friendly, but we don't meet up as much. We don't really talk. Until one day she calls me and says she wants to meet up. 

[light strings and bells music comes up]

NK:

The bar has a special drinks menu for the finale of a popular TV show. The menus are printed on little scrolls. Black crows stapled to the paper. I haven't seen the show. She has. We order Negronis and split a burger. And I feel how I always feel when we're alone together: alert and vaguely aroused. Exactly like before. I find myself choosing my words carefully, tasting each one for the right meaning and musicality, holding each one in my mouth before I speak. She said, Are you now or have you ever been into me? And I didn't rush to say anything. Even though I had an answer, I slid a clean fork into my mouth and smiled, holding a feeling. 

anise:

I want to present a couple of the forces that were at work when we met. I liked a lot of people who I honestly couldn't tell if they liked me or not. I was really concerned with that initially. I think as a means of validating that what I was doing was right for me. 

And what I was doing was moving from Iowa City, having been made to feel like I could not be a faggot there, so I had to like run away from it in a way. So where do I go to put myself where I can, like, do what I need to do? So I came to L.A. and opened the Pandora's box of transness here. There are a lot of like social pursuits, one of which was like, how do I like myself in a way that is is more self created. Like, how do I respect — like figure out how to respect that I'm, I’m — this is my body. The re-socializing process was horrible. Around that time I had gotten a lot of feedback from people, whether via action or via word, that that I was intimidating. It felt so like thoroughly tethered to their not being able to be around or having experienced being around trans people. The prerequisite for me desiring to continue existing is that I have to be really ridiculously honest. People were like, oh, it's like too much. Or that that that rubs me, you know, it's like catalyzing. I can't. Oh. And that just is like, oh, you. So you don't want to be there. Okay. It's the only place where I can exist is like that level of pushing. That's that escape velocity thing that comes up in the versions of Mother's poem. My experience of recognizing and reckoning with having to break through your own conditioning or patterning. 

[thunderstorm, sounds of motor, people talking on a radio] 

It started with me walking around my room for hours saying my fears are my fears are my fears are my fears are my fears are my fears. Just like on and on and on. Figuring out like, okay, if this is where I'm at in my life, what comes next? What comes after? How do I move through simply waking up every day and and like being at the step of just knowing that I am afraid. Or like knowing I have these fears. And so I would  just watch these videos for hours and saying my fears are my fears and watching these like empty engines, the engines of spaceships falling for like eight minutes or something. They just like fall. There's minutes of video of it being in like the center of the frame, like turning on an axis. The phrase is, my fears are. It's my fear, therefore, no one else is gonna get through it for me, no one else is going to breach it for me. So what are- what does it mean for me to move through it? I met a couple people, yourself included, who had helped me do that. And I hadn't seen you in a while and I wanted to take stock like take inventory of what mattered to me and who I wanted to be around. 

[soft sexy tones]

anise:

I would say that like the same mind blowing-ness that you ascribe to the stuff that I said I was experiencing with regards to your activation of, like space around me, thus that I felt like I could say things. We had like a terrarium together or something, and we would check in on the terrarium of our crush, see like what had spawned what had like moved, what had mutated, taken root, etc.. And I was like, oh, this this thing is like interesting and complicated, too. And I'm — I'm wondering. I know that I know that you're thiNK:ing about it. So what if we put that on the table? 

I must believe that, like whenever we're getting into it, that's something about how I'm sitting or looking at you is probably like throwing the, you know, throwing the eyes, like we're getting into it, aren't we? 

Like, mmm. let's get like, I love getting getting into it. When "into it", when we're in it, it doesn't really matter to me if we're fucking each other in the, let's say, classic sense. 

The sex that's the most fun is like to me like a little bit wonky, like it's just like, like the sexiness of it is sustaining, but like it's also like, I don't know, like asking questions and like kind of like thinking through stuff together. While like you're in someone or someones in you, whether we're fucking in that way or whether we're like, you know, Rubik's cubing our intellects... 

NK:

Yeah, I feel...first of all I'm like turned on right now [laughter]

anise:

Yeah. I'm, I'm warmed. There's like 20 versions of this thought that just flipped through me and lit on fire. The terrarium is cute and vivid because it is a container that isn't hurting us. And I thiNK: the desire to protect that was my crush on you. And is my crush on you. 

What's that Robert Duncan line, certainly these ashes could have been pleasures? And sometimes there are moments where I'm like, certainly these pleasures are not going to be ashes. And yeah, there's delight. There is delight. 

Kaitlin Prest:

This episode was produced by Nicole Kelly with anise cinquepalmi. 

anise:

like so enamored [moaning sound]

Kaitlin Prest:

anise is a poet teaching in Los Angeles. You can find out where to reach her in the show notes. 

The Heart is Nicole Kelly, Phoebe Unter, Sharon Mashihi and me, Kaitlin Prest. It is a production of Mermaid Palace and is distributed by Radiotopia. 

Follow us on Instagram at the Heart Radio. If you like supporting art that moves you with your cash dollars, you can donate to us at the heart radio dot org. This show is a more than 10 years old queer feminist institution that once in the long past went by the name of audio smut. The show originated on CKUT 90.3  FM and has been touched and loved by many creative geniuses in order of appearance: Jess Grossmann, Nora Roman. Britt Ray, Beansi Zaretski, Mitra Kaboli, Jen Ng, Rider Alsop, Ray Duly, Samara Breger, Megan Dietrie, Sharon Mashihi and Phoebe Wang. Special honor to Mitra Kaboli, the original senior producer and artist. The Heart is a proud member of Radiotopia. Thank: you for listening. Thank you for supporting. Thank you for being. I hope that this episode keeps you company. 

Mardi Gras is a State of Mind

Source image: Swine maskers, Mardi Gras day by Caroline Wogan Durieux, 1946.

The Heart · Mardi Gras Is A State Of Mind

What can a body do?

This story is about the ritual drug-induced shape shifting of Mardi Gras, and an attempt to shift via testosterone with a friend. What does it feel like to be a lesbian separatist who might also be a man?

This episode was written & produced by Mara Lazer and hosted by Kaitlin Prest. Phoebe & NK edited this version of the story. Mara wants to thank Linden for being a friend, Elizabeth Steeby for editor topping, and Ari(el) Mejia for always believing in possibilities. A version of this story won the Best New Artist award at the Third Coast International Audio Festival.

You heard clips of a conversation between Judith Butler and Sunaura Taylor from the film Examined Life and writing from On Liking Women by Andrea Long Chu.

transcript

Kaitlin Prest:

Welcome… to the Heart.

[low bass beating like a heart]

I'm Kaitlin Prest. The piece that you're about to hear began when NK, Phoebe, Mara and fellow radio maker Ari Mejia all hung out together for the first time. They spent a week apartment sitting, taking care of a pit bull and a one eyed cat. They gushed about fantasy audio projects they want to make and did poetic rituals to inspire poems within themselves. 

Mara's friend Linden lived around the corner from this apartment, and this story is about their years of friendship. It's about how it feels to be trans, how it feels to shapeshift. It's about celebrating the chaos of being one person. 

Here's Mara. 

[snare drum begins, horns join] 

Mara:

Sometimes when it's springtime in New Orleans, I walk in a roving pack. 

[Ernie K. Doe sings "Here come the girls", chorus behind sings along, man sings in falsetto "girls!"]. 

With my proverbial girls, I'm usually covered in someone else's glitter, rhinestones, yarn, face paint with Jameson tucked in my pants. Too many small, revolutionary minded parades surround me to count. 

[beat from loud music, two people loudly in unison, "Happy Mardi Gras, Mara." then laughing]

[sound of train screeching, becomes louder]

But this year, I asked my friends to send me audio of Mardi Gras. 

I live in New Orleans and wanted to escape my little world down there, remind myself life does exist outside the city. 

[sound of a late night dance club]

So I booked tickets to New York, one of my best friends moved there, this friend and I had top surgery together. We drove to Florida to have the same chest masculinization surgery within a few days of each other. It took years of late night talks with radical dykes and queers to get to that moment. 

Sunaura Taylor:

I could go into a coffee shop and actually pick up the cup with my mouth and carry it to my table, but then that that becomes almost more difficult because of the... 

Mara:

I couldn't stop listening to this conversation between Judith Butler and Sunaura Taylor, an artist and disability rights activist. 

Sunaura Taylor:

The discomfort that that causes when I do things with body parts that aren't necessarily what we assume, that they're for... That seems to be even more hard for people to to deal with. 

Mara:

I was terrified and thrilled about treating my milk ducts like medical waste. A few trans men I know were happy with their chest from this doctor in Miami. It's the only surgery he does and it's popular. He flattens chests five times a day, three days a week. I wish I could have donated my chest to my favorite drag queen, but my surgeon had a response like Lucille Bluth on Arrested Development. 

Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development:

I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Mara:

The night before my nip tuck, though, I actually felt like a pretty terrible misogynist. Such a failed feminist. I was cutting up my own female body. But I have to remind myself that living as default feminine is not helping other women. Ruminating in self torture and loathing is not an inspiring feminist strategy. It is a strange feeling to desire masculinity in 2020. 

Who wants to be a man? ugh! 

[tuning car radio]

As a kid in the 90s, when I would ask for the boys toy in the McDonald's drive through, I'd watch my moms worrying eyes lingering on me in the rear view mirror. 

[radio clicks off]

When I told her I wish I was a boy, she just stared and said, Why? Maybe her gut response was feeling rejected, like I was rejecting her as a woman, as a role model. Did she also worry I would be like some other unhealthy or pathetic men in her life? But I don't want to be a solitary, depressed, nobody knows trouble like I do kind of man alone in my office until 4:00 a.m.. I feel like even if I wanted to fully transition to be a man, it's not possible. I could only be a man who was raised as a girl, survived middle school because of riot grrrl, a man who almost everyone reads as a huge lesbian. And what a privilege.

[beeping of train door closing]

Right now, I'm a faggy lesbian separatist visiting New York City. I am reluctant to say I'm non-binary. It doesn't feel like the category that holds space, edgeless like leftovers, it doesn't exist without referencing what it isn't. Saying it out loud feels like I'm just saying sorry, not that one, thanks! I get lost in my head breaking down what gender queer even means and wondering who doesn't fit that category. 

I want to feel full and desirable. 

[muted bass drum beats twice]

My desire is formed through refractions, off of things and ideas. 

[muted bass drum beats twice]

I prefer this phrasing to I constantly compare myself to everyone around me. 

[whistle and marching band drumline begin]

Mara:

Fat Tuesday in New Orleans is a day for ritually drug induced shapeshifting. This is the culmination day for Catholic feasting public masking, costuming, young and old bodies are on full display. 

[crowd yelling swirling]

I won't even call it gender bending because it's beyond the category of gender. 

[somewhat messy marching band plays, sounds like eastern European influence]

It's a riot bursting with sound and deep, bright, shiny colors. Historic struggles over who is allowed to parade, who owns the streets happens live on TV simultaneously to the news coverage of drag competitions. 

TV news announcer:

And the police strike didn't stop the annual drag contest in the quarter. This year the usual feather boahs and thrills gave way partially to the macho man leather look with many sporting construction hats.  Spectators and participants alike well, they jammed Bourbon Street is what they did for blocks in both directions. 

Mara:

During my visit to New York, my friend was scheduled to get Androgel testosterone cream. A gift from the gay gods. I've debated taking testosterone shots before and put it off. But Andro gel isn't as strong as the shots. Also, you can actually spread testosterone through skin contact after applying. I'm a sucker for ceremonial bonding.

[pages turning]

On Fat Tuesday, the gift of AndroGel was supposed to be placed in our hands. 

phone answering service:

Thank you for completing the survey. Goodbye. 

Mara:

But as the patriarchal, bureaucratic garbage world that we live in would have it, there was a weird insurance issue. 

[after hearing phone message] Oh, my God. 

Linden:

This is the number they have listed on their website! 

Mara:

Despite having multiple credit cards, we couldn't get the hormones. So our afternoon T Party was put on hold. 

[synthy mysterious music playing]

But I wondered if we had to be the AndroGel we wanted to see in the world, what does that mean exactly? We had the entire city of New York and burning hearts. I couldn't be satisfied with just a slice this afternoon. No matter how cheap and delicious. We decided to have a ceremony to make us really feel like those small, revolutionary minded parades were a state of mind. 

I will keep repeating feminist mantras, on Mardi Gras and beyond. Copy and pasting somatic rituals as I figure out what the fuck works for me. [repeated and layered with bouncy synth underneath]

We bought a lottery ticket [computer game dinging sound of moving to the next level], wrote things down, shared Judith Butler quotes, made a list of qualities within ourselves and types of men we want to burn. 

We tried to peel back the dulling sensors and talk fast and loud and publicly about things we want to do, how we want to be in the world. [coin spinning, instead of falling sound echoes to infinite]

We tried to burn our list, but it took a while. It was windy and literally freezing. It was another forced metaphor. And this Judith Butler quote is still vibrating in my head. 

Judith Butler:

They use their anus for, or what they allow their anus to be used for. 

MaraL

Well, that one. But really this one. 

Judith Butler:

What can a body do? We usually ask, you know, what is a body or what is the ideal form of a body- But, what can a body do is a different question. It's  not like there's, you know, what a body should look like. It's exactly not that question. 

Mara:

When you, the plural you, stood there with your coat unzipped and laughed. You clapped and spread your arms in motion for me. C'mere, you said, and no, my subconscious wasn't too messy. You put your gloveless hand on my chest in my mostly zipped up jacket and said It's warm in here. I felt my head spin. I felt trans. 

After the ceremony, we went to Walters for giant martinis at the bar. We read excerpts of Andrew Long Chu's article On Liking Women. [sound of people talking and glasses clinging at Walter's in the background]

Linden:

She says, "I'm trying to tell you something that few of us dare to talk about, especially in public, especially when we are trying to feel political. As if the cure for dysphoria were wokeness. How can you want to be something you already are? Desire implies deficiency. Want implies want. To admit that what makes women like me transsexual is not identity, but desire is to admit just how much a transition takes place in the waiting rooms of wanting things. 

Mara:

Reading this out loud. My eyes turn to flames ignited by yet resigned to trans desire. The idea of men becoming women thrills, the lesbian herstory archivist in  me, even though physically I'm moving in a different direction. 

I cut my tits off. And right now I'm actively flirting with the idea of rubbing so-called male hormones all over my body. 

I wonder how thoroughly high do I have to be in order to continue believing I can move forward on this twirling trans journey without taking testosterone? 

I can't force generic maleness onto myself. And why would I want to? I feel strangely comforted, thinking desire implies deficiency. There's a relief in acknowledging what I don't have in order to more clearly see what I do have: desire. With my flame eyes I tell misogynist men I don't want their dicks, I already have one. I consider it a perk that my dick will never give you an unexpected pregnancy. 

But yeah, I would love to come on your ass. 

Linden:

[sound continued from Linden reading at Walter’s] Call this the romance of disappointment. You want something. You have found an object that will give you what you want. 

Mara:

Maybe you were trying to show me how to be sad and silly and proud.

[to Linden] Come on! Just a tiny microphone.

Linden:

No!!

Mara:

[narrating] Or maybe that was me doing that. 

Mara:

[to Linden] Okay. Do it once yourself. And then once there was a couple to see you fall — we'll do a couple takes. 

[Mara and Linden are recording themselves singing in high pitched voices] "are you ready for your blessing, and you ready, for you miracle!"]

[Chance the Rapper's song picks up underneath Linden singing]

Mara:

[narrating] I extended my trip in New York, but the testosterone never arrived. This may seem like a missed opportunity. And sure, yeah, undoubtedly. But it's not surprising. I don't feel sad. I feel lucky. The possibilities swirling around my head feel otherworldly. 

I'm fantasizing about writing love letters to my friends, my Irish Catholic mom, her sisters, you. I want to talk to everyone about the possibilities of their faggy lesbian separatist genders. 

I want to have ceremonies where we take our shirts off and rub AndroGel across each other's chests. Maybe my moms is an empowering, cleansing ritual, a quick release from the caretaking. Maybe mine is kind of like a small orgy. 

Imagine the feeling of a room of transsexuals lathering themselves in wishes, a room full of chests with scars that say something happened here and I want more of it. [piano chords building]

Kaitlin Prest:

This piece was written and produced by Mara Lazer. Phoebe and NK edited this version of the story. Mara wants to thank Linden for being a friend, Elizabeth Steeby for editor topping and Ari for always believing in possibilities. Mara won Best New Artist at the 2019 Third Coast Audio Festival for this story. In this piece, you heard clips of a conversation between Judith Butler and Sunaura Taylor from the film Examined Life. You also heard writing from an article titled "On Liking Women" by Andrea Long Chu. The Heart is Nicole Kelly, Phoebe Unter, Sharon Mashihi and Kaitlin Prest. That's me. This show is now over a decade old and has a long history of queer feminist storytelling behind it. 

We highly encourage you to dig down deep into the feed and listen to the work that we've done over the years and how it's grown and changed. You can follow the heart at the Heart radio on Instagram. You can write to us at the heart at Mermaid Palace.org . And you can donate your cash dollars, which we very much need to keep making this work on The HeartRadio.org,  our website. If you want to check out other Mermaid Palace shows, go to MermaidPalace.org or follow Mermaid Palace @MermaidPalaceArt on Instagram. You can follow me, @KaitlinPrest. If you have a business and you're trying to promote it and you think that our listeners would like what you make. Then write to us about buying some ad space. 

We also need that to keep making the work that we make. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being. And thanks for supporting.